When Elle Grant's husband started spending a lot of time at work with his female associate, she wasn't immediately suspicious. But something kept nagging at my brain.
Grant finally confronted her husband about her gut feeling that something was off. Slowly, the truth began to come out. I was shocked and devastated. Despite the affair, the couple stayed together and are currently closing in on their 23rd wedding anniversary. But for many couples, infidelity is the nail in the coffin.
A study conducted by the Austin Institute found that unfaithfulness in a marriage accounted for around 37 percent of divorces in the U. It's not an easy thing to heal from — but according to marriage and family therapist Amanda D.
Mahoney , patients who find success staying together after someone cheats have one main thing in common: "There's a willingness to process the potential symptoms that may have contributed to the affair versus focusing solely on the act of the affair itself," she explains. That's not to be confused with justifying the decision to cheat by pointing to issues in the relationship as excuses. But if you're able to get real with your partner on what hasn't been working — without playing the blame game — it's a good sign that your relationship has the potential to be repaired.
In fact, it may not simply be repaired, but you may come out even stronger than before if you handle it the right way. For Grant, an author and journalist living in Toronto, packing up and leaving wasn't immediately in the cards. Instead, she focused on her own healing with the help of a therapist , while her husband spent time in therapy separately. If both you and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it can be done, but it's going to be a long road.
Here are a few important actions to take together that can help repair your relationship. This is the hardest step and will largely dictate whether or not you'll both be able to move forward.
Even if it's obvious that your boyfriend is behaving suspiciously, approaching him and saying, “You cheated on me!” is not the smartest move. If you want to know. I asked him and he made me suspect something is still going on so I want to know what to do or if In fact, you can't blame her at all.
The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair. Where was the breakdown? What was it in our relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it? Having that insight in your relationship is going to be important.
They are breaking their own bond of trust. I'm no longer happy, but I love him. You are never satisfied for a reason. Tolledo and 28 others. Share this Article:. Consider this your cheat sheet.
But if the person who cheated isn't willing to be upfront about why it happened — or starts pointing blame, repairing things might not be possible. Grant's husband admitted he was a sex addict and sought out therapy on his own to work through it. I feel like I've said the same things over and over and I get the same response. That's the curious thing about saying the same thing over and over again. The people we're talking to usually stop listening because they've heard it all before and think we don't really mean business.
We tell partners how we feel in all sorts of ways. Now, there are reasons for this. Sometimes it's just not safe to.
Domestic abuse for instance often means that if a partner speaks out, they risk violence or further violence. Relationships where one partner is coercively controlling means that often the other person is likely to come off much worse if they speak out to their abuser.
These are very serious situations and require additional support to help whoever is being abused to be safe. From what you describe, it sounds as if your relationship has got into a pattern that really is an emotionally abusive one. You suspect something is wrong, you look for proof, you feel you find it, you confront him and then he either denies it or says it won't happen again.
You tell me that when he does actually agree he's been in touch with other women, he also tells you that it meant nothing. But, I suspect it means everything to you because he repeatedly breaks the trust that you're entitled to expect from a committed relationship. There's nothing wrong with open partnerships but to make those work, each person has to be in full agreement that they want to run things this way. For you though, it sounds like you didn't sign up to that and are constantly on the alert, and as so often happens, ending up almost playing detective, trying to second guess every word and action.
That's exhausting. You tell me this has gone on for a long time and I wonder if this is because at some level you feel you can change your husband's behaviour. Sometimes we almost make ourselves responsible for a partner and start to believe that if only we can find the right words then they'll change.
Although talking together is nearly always helpful, in this case, I think you have to decide what the long-term effects of all this are likely to be if things don't take a turn for the better. I'm not for a moment suggesting that this is an easy thing to contemplate. Finance, children and fears of being lonely make it entirely understandable that people stay in relationships that are upsetting in one way or another.
thochessgorisa.ml Sometimes it's just not possible to make the move away from something that causes emotional pain. We might even think we don't deserve anything better. Some people grow up believing that they should carry on regardless of their own emotional wellbeing and consistently prioritise another's welfare to the detriment of their own. I wonder if that's what's happening here.